Going Out With A Bang
by Trip and Jayne
Summary: Twelve students ponder how their teachers pass their spare time as their final day at Hogwarts draws closer.
1. Chapter 1

A/N, we'd been plannign this one for AGES and here it finally is.

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Going Out With A Bang: Chapter One: The Penultimate Night

Pale moonlight filtered through the lattice curtains of the Ravenclaw common room, shining on the books lining the walls and the various bronze ornaments littered around the room. An eerie glow reflected off the polished floorboards, illuminating the statue of Rowena Ravenclaw that stood by the door. A cloud passed across the full moon, casting a shadow over the twelve solemn faces seated in the tower.

'I can't fucking well believe it!' Michael said, breaking the silence, 'we're fucking leaving tomorrow and-'

'And we're no' fuckin' comin' back!' Mandy interrupted, slurring her words as she did so.

'Oh for fuck's sake Brocklehurst!' Padma started, exasperated.

'You've only had half a fucking glass!' Kevin finished for her.

'Look at my face!' she ordered, 'look at my face!'

Padma and Kevin looked up into her eyes.

'Fuck you!' she screamed at them drunkenly.

The eleven other only slightly buzzy students just burst into laughter.

'You know,' Terry started seriously, 'I'm really going to miss this.'

Anthony turned to him, 'don't be such a Jew!'

Jayne snorted derisively.

'We'll still have summers on Trip's estates,' he continued.

Jayne coughed.

'And Jayne's.'

'Have you ever wondered-'

Everyone jumped. Mandy screamed and fell off her chair. Kevin laughed and the others snickered.

'How long have you been there?'

'I've been here the entire time.'

'She has,' Kevin confirmed.

'That's it,' Trip stared at Lisa, 'I've got my eye on you Turpin.'

'No you don't, you've got one eye on your wife and the other on Michael.'

'Well,' Jayne whispered to her husband, 'at least I'm not the only one.'

'Course not darling,' Michael drawled from the other side of the circle, 'once you've been around this corner, there's no going back.'

'As I was saying-'

Again, everyone jumped and again, Mandy screamed as she crashed to the floor.

Lisa ignored this and continued, if just to spite them, 'I've always wondered what our teachers do in their spare time.'

Here, Padma brought out her trusty (stolen) crystal ball.

'You want to take a look?' she asked with a cheeky grin.

'So long as it's not boring marking,' Paul muttered.

The students giggled as they gathered (with some difficulty on Mandy's part) in a circle on the floor. Padma placed the ball in the centre of the circle and, with Lisa, started muttering what sounded like gibberish.

'Ooh,' Lisa gasped.

Mandy jumped.

'We've got something,' she continued, just ignoring the drunk girl.

'I can't see!' Terry yelled loudly.

'Engorgio,' Jayne waved her hand.

'Hey,' Trip cried, 'it's Professor Flitwick!'

'Is he?'

Su pointed and laughed, 'he's wearing a dress!'

'He can wear a dress?'

'He's using those stilts we gave him for Christmas in first year!'

'Can we get sound?' Michael asked.

Padma nodded and muttered more gibberish.

'Oooh, I'm Minerva!' Flitwick crooned with a bad Scottish accent, 'I'm all tall and important.'

The raucous laughter was so loud that Kevin worried that the silencing wards he'd put up wouldn't hold.

'Unlike Filius. Transfiguration is much more important than Charms.'

Suddenly the image began to blur until before them was a picture of Professor McGonagall. She was standing, pressed against the wall, wrapped in a tartan dressing gown. The students snickered as she clung to a painting of Professor Dumbledore mounted on said wall.

'Oh Albus,' she sobbed, 'why are we doomed to remain friends and colleagues when we could be so much more?'

Anthony spluttered, 'now that, is just plain disgusting.'

The picture faded into a scene revealing Dumbledore wearing a bright red cocktail dress dancing with an animated sex doll in the likeness of Gellert Grindlewald.

'Oh Gellert,' he said huskily.

'Oh THAT is just disgusting!' Terry admonished.

'Ooh, it's changing again.'

Terry screamed again.

'Evidently,' Jayne blinked, 'not fast enough.'

'Get it out! Get it out!' Terry cried, clawing at his head.

They'd been left with the parting image of Dumbledore dipping the doll for a full on snog.

'Hey it's the Greenhouse!' Mandy slurred.

'I'm NOT too old for him!' wept Professor Sprout.

'EW!'

She was surrounded by crumpled chocolate wrappers and empty wine bottles.

'Oh Severus, ditch the slut, I'll take care of you.'

'BITCH! That's my mother she's calling a slut!'

'But your mother is a slut,' Trip mused.

Jayne drew her wand, 'yes but only I'm allowed to call her that.'

'Whose office is that?'

Their attention was drawn back to the crystal ball.

'Snape's,' Trip answered.

'3rd year,' Jayne verified.

The wardrobe opened from the inside and out stalked Professor Severus Snape. He was not wearing his usual teaching robes but rather the same green ensemble from the Boggart lesson. Complete with the red hand bag and the vulture hat. He hitched the skirt up and pulled a seductive pose.

Whilst everyone else was staring at the scene, horrified, Jayne was laughing.

'Who's a sexy Grandma?' he asked his reflection.

Trip snickered. Morag giggled. Michael snorted. Everyone else blinked fearfully. Jayne was rolling around with tears of laughter in her eyes.

'My inner eye foresees one massive hangover.'

'Trelawney!' the group cried gleefully.

'Oh Severus.'

'Oh COME ON!' Jayne glared in disgust.

The Divination Professor was clutching a half empty bottle of sherry and swaying dangerously.

'He could've had all this but no,' she cried.

Michael and Trip roared with laughter when she groped at herself.

'Change the channel!' Jayne groaned.

The new scene unfolded to reveal Professor Slughorn leaning into the fireplace.

'Oh God,' Su giggled.

'Mother!'

'Oh sweet hell no!' Paul yelled.

'I'm 72, I can make my own decisions!'

A distinctly female voice was heard.

'I don't think so Horace darling. You just don't seem to grow up.'

'Mother!'

'You were wetting the bed until your Hogwarts graduation.'

The Ravenclaws (and Jayne) stared and blinked.

Jayne shuddered.

Michael choked.

Trip coughed.

Morag groaned.

Su dry-retched.

Mandy giggled drunkenly.

Kevin screwed his face up in disgust.

Padma snorted.

Terry cringed, 'no.'

Paul grinned, 'that was just, wrong, on so many levels.'

Anthony pouted, 'now why, did we have to see that?'

Lisa focussed on the ball until it blurred.

The crystal clouded before clearing to reveal the 3 Broomsticks Pub.

Wolf whistles echoed through the glass and around the room.

The group of students stared transfixed as a giant woman walked onto the stage. She wore a turquoise dress with sequinned gloves. Her lips were painted bright red and she opened her mouth to sing.

'Oh,' Michael started.

'My,' Jayne continued.

'God,' Morag finished.

'It's Hagrid!' Trip choked out through his laughter.

'Come and get it big boys!' the half giant crowed seductively.

Terry covered his eyes and started shaking his head.

'No, no, no, no,' he chanted over and over again.

Padma was starting to turn green and Kevin was cracking up with laughter.

'Even I can hit those notes,' he cackled.

'Change it Turpin!' Padma growled menacingly.

'Alright, alright,' she giggled.

The scene faded into another room recognisable as the Defence classroom.

'Remus, it's YOUR fantasy, what are you so ashamed of?' Tonks giggled from her perch on her desk.

She was sporting short, curly, white blonde hair and was wearing a long woolly white jersey over white stockings.

Professor Lupin came out of their chambers wearing a ripped button up and old jeans. His hair was messy and he grinned wildly.

'Baaaa,' Tonks bleated appreciatively.

The students stared for a second before bursting into laughter.

'Mmm, I knew that snitches could be used for other purposes.'

Eleven pairs of eyes went wide and the twelfth squinted.

"Hoochie-Mama!" Michael yelled.

Hooch was lying somewhere, holding and broomstick and a snitch.

'Oh Severus!'

'For fuck's sake! This is fucking ridiculous!' Jayne yelled, 'change it!'

The scene changed.

'Oh fuck no!'

'Oh, that is, NO!'

Jayne waved her hand at the ball and it shattered.

The group stared at each other in horror before shuddering collectively.

'Poor Mrs. Norris,' Jayne muttered.

'Aw Jayne!'

'Y'know, I've got an idea…' Trip mused.

Jayne looked up at him and snorted, 'dibs on Dad!'

Trip laughed, 'only so long as get Dumbles!'

.......

A/N: Chapter 2 coming soon... very soon, as in, give us 5 or 10 minutes.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: And behold, chapter 2...

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Going Out With A Bang: Chapter Two: Breakfast With A Show

It was the morning of the last day of the last term of the last year for the year group that became known as the year of Harry Potter, although many other students (cough Hannah Abbott, Susan Bones, Terry Boot, Mandy Brocklehurst, Lavender Brown, Millicent Bulstrode, Michael Corner, Stephen Cornfoot, Vincent Crabbe, Tracey Davis, Kevin Entwhistle, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Seamus Finnegan, Anthony Goldstein, Gregory Goyle, Daphne Greengrass, Wayne Hopkins, Sutton Jarvis, Megan Jones, Neilson Kitteridge, Su Li, Neville Longbottom, Morag MacDougal, Draco Malfoy, Ernie McMillan, Diana Moon, Theodore Nott, Pansy Parkinson, Padma Patil, Parvati Patil, Sally-Anne Perks, Brooke Rivers, Sophie Roper, Paul Runcorn, Zacharias Smith. Rebekah Spinks, Dean Thomas, Lisa Turpin and Blaise Zabini cough) resented it, but only ever so slightly.

The teachers and students were too preoccupied with their breakfast to notice the twelve missing Ravenclaw students, (yes Jayne was a Slytherin but she practically lived in the Ravenclaw tower anyway.)

Dumbledore was eating his usual breakfast of All-Bran muesli with Prune juice, for much needed regularity. Hermione Granger was eating a fresh fruit salad with plain, unsweetened yoghurt with a glass of freshly squeezed Orange juice, in contrast, Ron Weasley was eating seventeen rashers of bacon, eight fried eggs, three poached eggs, five scrambled eggs, twenty-three sausages, four bagels, eighty-seven hashbrowns and one breakfast muffin. (and when we say eating we actually mean drinking because it had all been mixed together with a gallon of milk into a smoothie.)

Suddenly Dumbledore looked up from his bowl of brown mush and turned to Professor McGonagall who sat at his right eating toast with raspberry jam whilst she perused the Daily Prophet.

'Something's wrong,' he mused, 'it's too quiet.'

'Oh come off it Albus,' Ari Kitteridge-Snape scoffed,' the Slytherins are all at their table.'

'What? Why do you always blame the Slytherins?' her husband asked, insulted.

'Because it's always the Slytherins!' she replied with a grin before turning back to her toast.

Snape rolled his eyes and returned to his newspaper.

'You're just being paranoid Albus,' McGonagall started, 'it's the last day of the year, what could possibly happen?'

He was about to reply but was cut off by the sound of music steadily getting louder.

With a bang, the door burst open to reveal Terry Boot mounted on stilts wearing one of McGonagall's famous tartan dresses.

'Is that my dress!?' both McGonagall and Flitwick cried in unison.

Flitwick blushed and looked away when McGonagall's glare focussed on him.

'Ooh!' Terry screamed, 'I'm Minerva! I'm tall and important! Gryffindors are better than Ravenclaws.'

Then Morag MacDougal interrupted him by stalking through the door clutching an enlarged photo to her chest.

'Oh Albus!' she wailed in her best impression of the Deputy-Headmistress, 'why are we stuck in the friend-zone?'

The other students just stared in shock.

An escalation in the accompanying music introduced Trip Jarvis as he performed a foxtrot in Professor Dumbledore's cocktail dress with the Gellert Grindlewald sex doll.

'Oh Gellert!' he hissed as he dipped the doll.

Just then Lisa staggered in, clutching a wine bottle and trailing chocolate wrappers. She looked up at the staff table, wild eyed, her mascara running as she wept.

'Oh Severus! Just ditch the slut!' she sobbed.

Ari stood up and glared at her but sat down again upon seeing a wardrobe appear in the doorway in the manner of the Tardis, minus the whooshing sound. As the music exploded in a climax, the doors burst outward and all that could be seen was a pale hand. Ari continued to glare at Lisa who had by this time slunk up to the staff table and was winking at the Potions Master. Jayne stepped out of the wardrobe wearing a forest green dress with a stuffed vulture hat. The red handbag swinging from her left hand and the plaster nose completed the costume. Ari saw her daughter and cracked up laughing, forgetting Lisa. Jayne stalked up onto the Gryffindor table and stood over Neville Longbottom. She pulled a sexy pose and winked at the shaking boy.

'Who's a sexy Grandma?' she asked with a sultry voice.

As the Great Hall roared with laughter in reminiscence of the famed 1993 Boggart lesson, Professor Snape had buried his head in his hands while Professor Sprout sobbed and Professor Dumbledore merely grinned. Professor Trelawney who had continued eating throughout the entire escapade suddenly choked upon seeing one of the Patil twins, dressed as her, lurch in hugging two of her precious cooking sherry bottles.

'What's that blasted girl doing with my dri- I mean cooking equipment?'

'My inner-eye foresees one helluva hangover!' Padma slurred.

'Padma! How could you!?' Parvati admonished from her seat at the Gryffindor table.

'Easy,' she said, breaking character for half a second.

Parvati and Lavender hung their heads in mortification as Padma-Trelawney started groping herself.

'Oh Severus!' she moaned, 'you could have had all this!'

Severus who was already horrified went from red faced to green.

Paul waltzed through the door dressed in a big dressing gown shouting over his shoulder.

'Mother! I can make my own decisions! I'm 72 for Merlin's sake!'

'I don't know Horace darling,' Mandy replied, stalking in dressed as an elderly woman, 'you just don't seem willing to grow up.'

'Mother!'

Mandy ignored this and continued, 'you were wetting the bed until you were 18, I don't know how you ever managed to move out.'

'MOTHER!' he screamed at her.

'I really don't see how you can possibly expect me to fit this!'

Everyone turned to see Kevin walk through the doors, clutching the turquoise dress around his lithe frame.

'It's 500 sizes too b-' he faltered as he tripped and fell flat on his face.

He picked himself up and stared around the room, 'hi, my name is Rubeus Hagrid, and I like to wear women's clothes and sing at the pub,' he laughed.

Several teachers looked to face the half giant who was blushing behind his beard.

'Hagrid,' Dumbledore started, 'I had no idea.'

He winked at Hagrid who paled, 'now listen 'ere,' he started but was interrupted by a loud bleeting.

Lupin went bright pink when he saw Su Li bouncing around dressed as a sheep, 'oh no,' he muttered.

Tonks started giggling.

'Come here my little lamb!' Michael Corner yelled loudly, pursuing Su.

In his shame Lupin looked at his wife who was grinning and turned her hair the same curly white bob as the previous night.

It should be noted here that as each student entered the room, the others continued their acts at various points around the Hall, much to the teachers' shame.

"HOOCHIE-MAMA!' Michael screamed as Anthony appeared in the doorway.

He was holding a snitch and a broomstick, both of which were vibrating slightly.

'Do I really need to explain this?' he asked the room.

The peals of laughter seemed to assure him that no, he didn't need to explain it.

All twelve students congregated in a line at the front of the Hall, each one standing in front of their respective teacher. The other teachers, seen in the gaps were just laughing their arses off. Each one of the impersonators then struck a sexy pose; Trip went so far as to lift his left leg and place his foot on the table; in front of his mother in law's face.

Ariadne gasped and examined the bare leg, 'Trip darling,' she said to her son in law, 'I must say that you have fantastic legs.'

'Thank you Professor Kitteridge,' Trip said.

The music changed and Padma-Trelawney started vocalising loudly, singing at heights yet unheard.

The imitators turned to her with looks of surprise, until she sang so high that Lisa's empty wine bottle exploded.

Padma then sang a ballad to Bacchus in French before the line of Ravenclaws linked arms and did a quick can can, before turning around, bending over and lifting their dresses, dressing gowns and robes over their backsides, revealing that they were all wearing Ravenclaw blue thongs. The students turned and again struck their seductive poses as the music came towards an end.

On the final chord of music, the Ravenclaws clapped their hands (Well, Michael slapped Su's arse and Jayne slapped her own) and disappeared in a great puff of smoke. Blue sparks lingered in the air and spelt out the words "Ravenclaw, kickin' arse since ages ago".

As the sparks faded, most of the great hall sat in shocked silence, save for Professors Kitteridge and Jarvis who were laughing uncontrollably. Dumbledore stood slowly to speak but was interrupted by a new piece of music loudly resonating from a small music box sitting in the entrance to the hall.

Trip Jarvis rushed into the doorway from the entrance hall and switched the music box off.

'Sorry,' He said sheepishly, 'It's on a loop.' The boy hitched up the skirt of the stolen cocktail dress and rushed off.

Professor Dumbledore was finally able to speak, 'I think we can all agree,' he said sternly to the hall of students, 'that _that_ never happened.'

Colin Creevey discreetly hid his camera in his bag.

The End

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A/N: "And the peasants revolt!"- Lani


End file.
